A lot of SNES owners that grew up with the likes of Final Fantasy II and III aren’t fond of Final Fantasy Mystic Quest. Released in 1992, Mystic Quest is still scornfully dismissed as Baby America’s First Arr-Pee-Gee.

And, well, that’s how Squaresoft engineered the game. Sure, it wasn’t unusual for a Japanese developer to retool a game for a Western release, or change it outright: If you’re interested in this site, then you probably know enough game lore to recite the Doki Doki Panic / Super Mario Bros 2 metamorphosis story by heart.

But whereas the Japanese follow-up to Super Mario Bros was simply not fun, leading Nintendo to correctly assume Western audiences wouldn’t be fans of the game’s immense challenge level, Mystic Quest is kind of insulting. It’s a ridiculously simple RPG  with the crusts cut off. It’s practically pre-chewed.

And, to be honest, I’ve still been wanting to give it a real go for years. So I pricked up my ears when I heard about a so-called “Mystic Quest HD Remaster” for mobile. And then my ears flopped back down again because nothing about the project seemed legit. Turns out that’s the case.

Jake, the dude heading the Dark Design studio that’s supposedly handling this re-design for Square-Enix, swears he has the company’s blessing to go ahead. There’s no way. There’s just no way. Few game companies guard their IP like Square-Enix, and though it does indeed farm out many projects to other studios, the Square-Enix name is still all over the product when it’s done. And, of course, Square-Enix handles all the marketing and promotion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6d7oXDXMuM&feature=youtu.be

The nature of my job means I get a mighty butt-load of press releases every day. Square-Enix announces every project, regardless of how minor. There hasn’t been a peep about a Mystic Quest HD Remaster, and I’d almost surely have heard about it by now.

Finally, the remaster looks kind of shoddy. It’s obviously an RPG Maker project. Granted, I’ve played RPG Maker projects that were good – I really like Undefeated – but RPG Maker’s templates scream “amateur hour” at a volume Square-Enix would never be comfortable with.

I’m sure Mystic Quest has redeeming features despite its simplicity. Remember how none of us gave Secret of Evermore a chance because we wanted Seiken Densetsu 3 / Secret of Mana 2? Maybe it’s the same thing with Mystic Quest. Maybe we’re just mad at its existence because it equaled a condescending pat on the head from Squaresoft. Maybe there’s something deep down inside Benjamin’s quest that makes it worth playing.

I do hope a Square-blessed port of Final Fantasy Mystic Quest makes its way to mobile and / or Nintendo 3DS. But not before we finally get a mobile port of Final Fantasy IV: Complete Collection for the PSP.

You can even take out all the After Years stuff, Square-Enix. Really! Just crumple all the bad characterization and tedious gameplay into a big ol’ ball and huck that sucker at a passing car.